Tuesday, August 12, 2008

I didn't know I felt this way.....

Tabitha over at Twinkle Twinkle has inspired me to write. This is something I don't usually talk about and something most people don't know about me. Sometimes when I think about it and shed a tear I surprise myself. Just now while reading Tabitha's post, I found myself crying a bit while leaving her a comment.

It's my Dad, my parents were divorced when I was 2, my younger brother was an infant. I don't remember ever living with my dad, I don' t remember visits too much while I was very little. I do remember a Christmas when my Paternal Grandmother visited us, the only time I remember seeing her alone. I remember a woman my Father was dating giving me lady bug earrings.

Flash forward till I was about 6 or 7yrs old. I had a half Sister 'H'. I don't remember him getting married to my Step Mother 'A' or her being pregnant. I remember a few yrs later when 'A' and 'H' told me she was having another baby. When I was ten my half sister 'HM' was born.

My Brother and I loved this little Sister, we loved them both. But I think because we were older and knew what was going on, it was different. For the next 7-8 yrs we saw him 1-2x a yr and spent a week in the Summer with them in NH where they lived.

When I was 17 or 18, as all teen aged girls, I had some issues. My Father and my Step Mother were divorced and we started seeing less and less of my Father. Before, whenever my Father came to CT he stayed with his Sister. He started to come down for visits, but didn't call us. We found out from friends that he was here.

When I was 20 and in College, I called him for a favor. He started an argument, accusing me of only calling him when I wanted something. Let me just say I NEVER asked him for anything!!!!
I became very angry and told him to forget he had Children in CT and he could be happy with his new family in NH. He never even knew why I called, I couldn't return to College and needed a change. I wanted to come and live up there with him and maybe go to a Community College there. My Sisters thought I was rotten because as far as they knew I only wanted Money. We didn't speak for years, I did see him once at my Cousin's wedding. Everyone kept telling me my Father loved me. But like I said we didn't talk for years!!

When I was 29 I was engaged and my Father out of the blue called my Mother looking for my Brother and I. His Father had died. After a very awkward phone call I went to my Grandfather's funeral. I was very emotional and thank god I had Jim. It was kind of nice to see my Sisters and my Dad. I met his new wife. A few months later his Mother passed away, another awkward day.

I invited my Father and his family to my Wedding. A cousin from that side was also getting married on the same day. His whole family, my family, chose this cousin's wedding over mine. That is fine, they couldn't be at both, they did see him more often. But I still can't help but feel slighted. I only saw this family when I was with my Dad. My Aunts, Uncles, Grandmother & Grandfather never called me on their own. We all lived in the same town.

My Dad, his new Wife and one of my Sisters came to my wedding. My Maternal Grandfather walked me down the aisle. My Father missed out on that. He didn't get to dance with me. We were mending our relationship, but I wasn't ready for that.

My Sister 'H' was married in 2002 (I think) and we went to her wedding. When I saw her and my Father dance , the Father-Daughter dance. For the first time I missed not having a Father. For the first time I was jealous of my Sisters' relationship with my Dad. This reaction surprised me. Because I always felt that I couldn't miss what I didn't know. But I guess I was wrong.

Over the past few yrs we've exchanged a few emails, a few cards. But we really haven't seen each other and he has never seen my daughter. I want them to meet. I feel like its all or nothing. Like either we develop a relationship or we walk away. Emily will be 4 in November and she doesn't understand that she has another Grandfather. They did send us a Gingerbread kit for Christmas last yr, that was a nice surprise. Never a gift or a card for Emily. I know he loves me.

I don't understand these feelings. I am sitting here crying as I type. I never knew I had these feelings. I don't hate him. I just don't understand what our relationship is. How can he have a real relationship with my Sisters and their Children and not me or my Em. One thing that really gets to me is....he had another child with his current wife yrs ago before he married my Step-Mother 'A'. He met up with his current wife and she told him about this child, and obviously they got married. His current wife also has a son who I want to say is close to my age, I think he is also his?? But I don't know. He has relationships with all of them.

I exchange gifts with my Sister's ('H' & 'HM') children for Christmas. We email eachother throughout the year. OMG that's another relationship I envy. They are truly Sisters. I don't have that.

Sorry it must seem like I am feeling bad for myself. Just after reading Tabitha's post it just hit me. Emotions I didn't know I had.


Tabitha said...

Oh Julie ~ I am so sorry that my post has brought all these feelings out in you. I just wish that my ex husband would read this post and think about what he has been like in the past and what he is doing now and in the future!!
Sending you lots of love and a big hug my friend. XXXXXXX

April said...

Don't worry about "feeling sorry for yourself" girl! You are entitled to any and ALL feelings you have. You are human and not a robot. That is a shitty situation and I'm sorry you have had to deal with that. I don't blame you with being upset and wishing your daughter and YOU had a relationship with your dad!

jshay778 said...

I cant imagine what you are going through. But I will say this. Take that first step. Even if you did in the past...take it again. Nothing is worse than not trying. I would rather fail then to say I never tried. Its always hard to put yourself out there and maybe youll be rejected or maybe not. Maybe you will develope that relationship you have wanted to gain for a long time. I say do it. You never know what can happen and its better late than never. For me I always think..(dont mean to upset you..this is my logic) what if he were to die tomorrow....I would regret not getting to know him, not being able to say what I wanted to say. I would rather know myself that I tried and he didnt want to take that step and not have that on my shoulders. I hope this helps you out and I hope you get through this. Best of luck.

Amanda said...

Julie, i'm sorry that this has happened to you, but i think you have dealt with it all well and i admire you.
Love n hugs,
Amanda xx

kittyconcerto.com said...

Good for you for getting it all out. I have never met my biological father, even though he was married to my mother when I was conceived. I never really missed him, but now that I'm pregnant all these new feelings and curiosities are coming up.

I feel for you sweetie. Hug your husband and your daughter. They are your family. Big Hugs!

Robyn said...

I'm sorry Jules. I don't think some father's realize what they do to kids.

Bekah said...

Please dont ever feel like you cant write what you feel. This should always be an outlet for you. never somewhere else to try to "fit" I think I understand what you mean, I have spent most of my life envying what others have, then all of the sudden, out of the blue, someone will tell me they envy me...and it hits me that for all the things I want and cant change, cant have, I have so much more to be thankful for.

Chele76 said...

(((hugs))) hon.

You know you have a 'sister' here :)

Flea said...

Sounds like emotions you really needed to connect with. Though not the same, I went through similar stuff. My brother walked me down the aisle. My dad died never having met my kids. And now they're getting to know my mom.

Do what you need to to, girl. Might help to find an objective third party to talk through all of this with. I know it helped me.